Three days of rain in May and see what happens? My enthusiasm dips, my allergies get my head all stuffed up, I miss my morning runs a few days in a row, I start to feel pudgy and my joie de vivre is nowhere to be seen. Ugh.
Slowly I begin to notice women without children. How they have time to linger in grocery store aisles and actually read the names of ingredients, how they aren't talking in forced enthusiasm and raised voices to get their toddlers to listen to them, how they can drive without screaming at their kids in the back of the car, how they can actually pick up and go - on a whim - anywhere they choose without worrying about nap times and routines.
I whine and complain to my husband. I'm never alone, I say. The children are always with me. Even nap times are so... regulated. My life doesn't change. Every day is just the same as the last. And the last and the last. It's beginning to get to me. What I would do for a day (or a week) to myself!
These are the tough days, I guess. Motherhood wouldn't be such a high calling without it being difficult somewhere down the line. It's not all roses and hearts, no matter how much Hallmark makes us want to believe it. Rather, it's about trying to teach my children the right way to ask me for something when all I want to do is complain at God about how hard my life is. It's about recognizing that everyone is in the same boat in one way or another. It's realizing that I am the best prepared and especially chosen for this job even when I don't do it perfectly. My husband never complains that he is the one who has to go out and work and if there's a financial crisis he is the one we look toward to bring home the grass-fed beef. Then why should I?
And slowly a new mood begins to emerge. That woman who was poring over labels at the grocery store? Who knows if she's just turning the corner now into another aisle, buying a pregnancy test, hoping, praying, thinking, "I'm almost thirty-five. Please, please, please be positive."
No matter how much I complain, I have to realize this truth: there is nothing like motherhood to bring me closer to the heart of God.
Showing posts with label Mommyhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mommyhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Yes, I Bribe my Children...
You know that stage when the youngest one can't walk yet (or can't walk well) and you have to carry him everywhere and then the older one wants to be carried too? So that you don your best apologetic look and shrug your shoulders and carry them in and out of the gym and wait, just wait for someone to say, "Well, it's a good thing mommy works out, huh?" Sigh... well, THAT stage has lasted in our home a little too long and I'm ready to get shoes on Hucksley so he can walk already!
However, ingenious mother that I am (haha...) I managed to snag a few cookies today from our breakfast table and saved them to give to Bombie when she got out of MOPS for the walk to the car. Ahhh. What a wonderful little walk we had back to the car. No fussing. No crying. No issues. No dramas.
There is a time for discipline, but there's also a time to just let them be kids. Now if only I could tell the difference every time.
However, ingenious mother that I am (haha...) I managed to snag a few cookies today from our breakfast table and saved them to give to Bombie when she got out of MOPS for the walk to the car. Ahhh. What a wonderful little walk we had back to the car. No fussing. No crying. No issues. No dramas.
There is a time for discipline, but there's also a time to just let them be kids. Now if only I could tell the difference every time.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Breathing Space
The past few weeks have been emotionally difficult. My dad has been over to visit and help with the arrival of the new baby and the baby seems to be taking his own sweet time coming. Perhaps because my dad is here and I'm having a hard time relaxing. My blood pressure has shot up and I would imagine oxytocin is in short supply in my system right now.
Now don't misunderstand. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I'm very grateful that my dad is here all the way from India to help, but it's been almost a decade since I left what used to be home and being around him 24 - 7 is kind of getting on my nerves. He's easy enough to get along with but he has some personality quirks that absolutely drive me crazy. Like he won't speak in English even though he can when James is around so I have to translate or my husband feels left out. Not to mention it's just rude. The cultural gap is hard to bridge. I can tell he's a little on edge when James is around and that irritates me too. I mean, jeez... we've been married for almost eight years now. Also, he calls me by my mom's name by mistake. A lot. AND he never leaves the house. Even for a walk. And we have the same conversations every single day. Ugh. "Sleep well?" "You're going to have coffee now?" "How are you feeling?" I want to scream "I'M PREGNANT, NOT AN INVALID. I'M NOT SICK!!!" Not to mention the house is usually quiet - we're quiet people - and any sound is magnified. So intimacy of any kind with James becomes uncomfortable. Not that I'm looking forward to any of it being 3 days away from my due date. But still... I wish I didn't have to worry about anything I said, much less did, with James.
Yes, a bit of a rant. But you see where I'm coming from now. Part of me is beginning to think it was a mistake to ask for help. It's been more than a month now and I can't wait for everything to be normal again. Really, I don't know how other families have house guests for this long.
The family dynamic sucks too. Bombie is getting pampered and our time-outs are not working as well, partially because he comes in and rescues her before we have a chance to give her a time-out. So she doesn't learn. He carries her around a lot, so she's getting dependent. You know, everyone said that the reason I didn't walk until much later is because I was an overweight child. I'm beginning to think being carried around had a lot to do with it. He won't let her fall, he worries all the time when she's climbing up and down, he keeps saying things like, "Walk, don't run..." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
Well, three more weeks. That's it. I advanced his ticket and he's leaving on the 4th. We'll just deal with everything by ourselves later. Those were James' words of wisdom yesterday and I think he's right. If this was a permanent situation we'd have to lay down some strict rules. But chances are he's not going to see Bombie again for a long time so he can pamper her all he wants. She's only 16 months, so she won't remember much. And we can deal with the new family dynamic after the fourth of next month.
Until then I only have to stay sane and deliver this new baby. And never ever forget that the more security, the lesser the freedom. I have never known that in a more real manner than I do now.
Now don't misunderstand. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I'm very grateful that my dad is here all the way from India to help, but it's been almost a decade since I left what used to be home and being around him 24 - 7 is kind of getting on my nerves. He's easy enough to get along with but he has some personality quirks that absolutely drive me crazy. Like he won't speak in English even though he can when James is around so I have to translate or my husband feels left out. Not to mention it's just rude. The cultural gap is hard to bridge. I can tell he's a little on edge when James is around and that irritates me too. I mean, jeez... we've been married for almost eight years now. Also, he calls me by my mom's name by mistake. A lot. AND he never leaves the house. Even for a walk. And we have the same conversations every single day. Ugh. "Sleep well?" "You're going to have coffee now?" "How are you feeling?" I want to scream "I'M PREGNANT, NOT AN INVALID. I'M NOT SICK!!!" Not to mention the house is usually quiet - we're quiet people - and any sound is magnified. So intimacy of any kind with James becomes uncomfortable. Not that I'm looking forward to any of it being 3 days away from my due date. But still... I wish I didn't have to worry about anything I said, much less did, with James.
Yes, a bit of a rant. But you see where I'm coming from now. Part of me is beginning to think it was a mistake to ask for help. It's been more than a month now and I can't wait for everything to be normal again. Really, I don't know how other families have house guests for this long.
The family dynamic sucks too. Bombie is getting pampered and our time-outs are not working as well, partially because he comes in and rescues her before we have a chance to give her a time-out. So she doesn't learn. He carries her around a lot, so she's getting dependent. You know, everyone said that the reason I didn't walk until much later is because I was an overweight child. I'm beginning to think being carried around had a lot to do with it. He won't let her fall, he worries all the time when she's climbing up and down, he keeps saying things like, "Walk, don't run..." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
Well, three more weeks. That's it. I advanced his ticket and he's leaving on the 4th. We'll just deal with everything by ourselves later. Those were James' words of wisdom yesterday and I think he's right. If this was a permanent situation we'd have to lay down some strict rules. But chances are he's not going to see Bombie again for a long time so he can pamper her all he wants. She's only 16 months, so she won't remember much. And we can deal with the new family dynamic after the fourth of next month.
Until then I only have to stay sane and deliver this new baby. And never ever forget that the more security, the lesser the freedom. I have never known that in a more real manner than I do now.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
More on Homeschooling
I must have been more than a little peeved when I wrote the last blog post on why I'm seriously leaning toward homeschooling for our kids because I seem to have lost the ability to be articulate. It happens - especially when I feel strongly about something. Left brain, right brain and all that. So here's a more well thought out post to why I will be (most likely) homeschooling when it comes time.
First off, I should mention that I have a terminal degree in writing and English. What that means is that it is actually higher than a Masters but because they cannot give you a Doctorate in Writing, they call it an MFA which is a Master of Fine Arts. However, I do not think that having a degree or any other credential is necessary to teach your child. I have to give credit for a lot of my own education to my mother who had a simple Bachelor's Degree, something everyone has in India by the way. It's not as big a deal as it is here. So, even though I went to private school, the bulk of my really learning and imbibing took place because my stay-at-home mom ensured that I actually understood it. There was school work and then there was home work. She bought me books, sat down with me to teach me and took my learning very seriously. In fact, I owe my math and science grade in the 10th grade (that's the last level there for school, not the 8th) all to her tutoring. I believe if homeschooling had been a possibility when I was growing up, my parents would have probably taken it. English wasn't her strong point so maybe they thought it necessary I go to private school.
So I come from a background of knowing that it's no big deal teaching kids. Add to that the fact that California schools are pretty low on the national spectrum for grades and I don't think there's even a contest between another teacher and me. What is it that someone else can teach that I can't? I have a pretty high IQ (probably higher than most teachers, no offense, just reality) and know my kids better than anyone else in the world. I think they deserve the luxury of having their mother teach them instead of someone else for the same reason that we don't eat out often. No one knows my family's dietary needs and tastes better than me, so I don't trust anyone else to cook for us, well, not on a regular basis anyway. And for me to send my children away for six hours a day five days a week into the care of someone else who's going to teach them not just math and science but their own ideas (inadvertently) there would have to be a pretty high level of trust there. And trust and anything run by the government do not go hand in hand for our family.
Which brings me to another factor. Teachers are fond of saying that they don't teach the kids their ideology, but the fact is ideology doesn't need to be formally taught. It can be a wayward comment, a hint, a mention and the kids will pick it up. How do I know? Well, I may be 31 but it hasn't been that long since I was a child. Children are so impressionable that if you want to teach them the right thing, you have to be constantly on guard not just in what you say but how you act. And careful teachers are not! (Again, I have friends that are teachers and I'm sure they're fine but they're not going to teach my kids and I don't get to pick them, so I'm talking about the general group here.)
Since my husband works in a lot of schools (he's a fire alarm technician) I hear from him the almost institutionalized tearing down of boys that takes place on a regular basis in schools. Every other group it seems is protected except for the white male and it becomes a verbal free-for-all when it comes to insulting them. I'm sure the pendulum swung the other way at some point in time, but my kids are growing up today and today a real man and everything he represents is an endangered species. I want my son to be a man when he grows up and my daughter to be a real woman who respects a real man and they're not going to be that going to public schools where she'll think she's privileged and he won't get any respect to develop his personality. I mean, if playtime is seriously curtailed and no one keeps score any more on the playing field during a sport, where's the true spirit of competition? Where, in fact, is childhood? How are they ever going to learn about things like morality, right and wrong, winning, losing, the idea of failure, of doing the right thing? Forget nobility!
I suppose I am old-fashioned. I don't believe that everyone is equal and that "you can do anything you set your mind to do." And I don't want my kids growing up in la-la land because when they come out of la-la land they'll just be looking for another one. They may find it, of course, in the government handout world we currently inhabit but we'd like them not to. We'd like them to make it on their own, to think for themselves, be critical, have judgment, a well thought out opinion; we'd like them to admit when they're wrong and understand that everyone is not equal, that sometimes you cannot do or get everything you want, that life isn't fair but it's so worth being a real person. We'd like them to know that sometimes failures are necessary and there is such a thing as right and wrong, that nobility comes from doing the right thing even when it's so much easier to bend your morality and get by in a mediocre existence.
My husband takes his role as provider for the family very seriously and I intend taking my role as the mother of these kids just as seriously. Yes, I guess that makes us old fashioned and pretty conservative. I just see it as giving my kids the very best start in their lives that we can. The luxury of a stay-at-home mom who is also their teacher. What a privilege!
First off, I should mention that I have a terminal degree in writing and English. What that means is that it is actually higher than a Masters but because they cannot give you a Doctorate in Writing, they call it an MFA which is a Master of Fine Arts. However, I do not think that having a degree or any other credential is necessary to teach your child. I have to give credit for a lot of my own education to my mother who had a simple Bachelor's Degree, something everyone has in India by the way. It's not as big a deal as it is here. So, even though I went to private school, the bulk of my really learning and imbibing took place because my stay-at-home mom ensured that I actually understood it. There was school work and then there was home work. She bought me books, sat down with me to teach me and took my learning very seriously. In fact, I owe my math and science grade in the 10th grade (that's the last level there for school, not the 8th) all to her tutoring. I believe if homeschooling had been a possibility when I was growing up, my parents would have probably taken it. English wasn't her strong point so maybe they thought it necessary I go to private school.
So I come from a background of knowing that it's no big deal teaching kids. Add to that the fact that California schools are pretty low on the national spectrum for grades and I don't think there's even a contest between another teacher and me. What is it that someone else can teach that I can't? I have a pretty high IQ (probably higher than most teachers, no offense, just reality) and know my kids better than anyone else in the world. I think they deserve the luxury of having their mother teach them instead of someone else for the same reason that we don't eat out often. No one knows my family's dietary needs and tastes better than me, so I don't trust anyone else to cook for us, well, not on a regular basis anyway. And for me to send my children away for six hours a day five days a week into the care of someone else who's going to teach them not just math and science but their own ideas (inadvertently) there would have to be a pretty high level of trust there. And trust and anything run by the government do not go hand in hand for our family.
Which brings me to another factor. Teachers are fond of saying that they don't teach the kids their ideology, but the fact is ideology doesn't need to be formally taught. It can be a wayward comment, a hint, a mention and the kids will pick it up. How do I know? Well, I may be 31 but it hasn't been that long since I was a child. Children are so impressionable that if you want to teach them the right thing, you have to be constantly on guard not just in what you say but how you act. And careful teachers are not! (Again, I have friends that are teachers and I'm sure they're fine but they're not going to teach my kids and I don't get to pick them, so I'm talking about the general group here.)
Since my husband works in a lot of schools (he's a fire alarm technician) I hear from him the almost institutionalized tearing down of boys that takes place on a regular basis in schools. Every other group it seems is protected except for the white male and it becomes a verbal free-for-all when it comes to insulting them. I'm sure the pendulum swung the other way at some point in time, but my kids are growing up today and today a real man and everything he represents is an endangered species. I want my son to be a man when he grows up and my daughter to be a real woman who respects a real man and they're not going to be that going to public schools where she'll think she's privileged and he won't get any respect to develop his personality. I mean, if playtime is seriously curtailed and no one keeps score any more on the playing field during a sport, where's the true spirit of competition? Where, in fact, is childhood? How are they ever going to learn about things like morality, right and wrong, winning, losing, the idea of failure, of doing the right thing? Forget nobility!
I suppose I am old-fashioned. I don't believe that everyone is equal and that "you can do anything you set your mind to do." And I don't want my kids growing up in la-la land because when they come out of la-la land they'll just be looking for another one. They may find it, of course, in the government handout world we currently inhabit but we'd like them not to. We'd like them to make it on their own, to think for themselves, be critical, have judgment, a well thought out opinion; we'd like them to admit when they're wrong and understand that everyone is not equal, that sometimes you cannot do or get everything you want, that life isn't fair but it's so worth being a real person. We'd like them to know that sometimes failures are necessary and there is such a thing as right and wrong, that nobility comes from doing the right thing even when it's so much easier to bend your morality and get by in a mediocre existence.
My husband takes his role as provider for the family very seriously and I intend taking my role as the mother of these kids just as seriously. Yes, I guess that makes us old fashioned and pretty conservative. I just see it as giving my kids the very best start in their lives that we can. The luxury of a stay-at-home mom who is also their teacher. What a privilege!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Baby Making
Who thought making a second baby wouldn't be fun! It's no secret now that my husband and I are working on conceiving a second baby. We're working on a schedule of what they call "baby-dancing" every 48 hours and with one baby it isn't easy. However, so far it hasn't worked, so this month we're working in earnest. The way we worked at it to make Bombie.
I know it all sees insane right now (and even a little funny at times) - but hopefully it will all work out in the end. At this point, I don't care if it's a boy or girl. Although I have saved all of Bombie's clothes!
Wish us luck! :)
I know it all sees insane right now (and even a little funny at times) - but hopefully it will all work out in the end. At this point, I don't care if it's a boy or girl. Although I have saved all of Bombie's clothes!
Wish us luck! :)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Crisis Averted!
So it wasn't a major crisis. Perhaps I just needed to talk to friends and figure it out for myself.
Yes, I still want another baby. And I plan on working as soon as they're both older.
Apparently, you can do with two kids what you can do with one.
I woke up today feeling silly for freaking out earlier. My mind is clear again. And it wants another baby!
Thank God for girlfriends!
Yes, I still want another baby. And I plan on working as soon as they're both older.
Apparently, you can do with two kids what you can do with one.
I woke up today feeling silly for freaking out earlier. My mind is clear again. And it wants another baby!
Thank God for girlfriends!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wishy Washy Wistfulness
Thankfully, yesterday's post didn't send my friends running for the hills. There were no frantic telephone calls telling me I've been disowned from my family. I am a little bummed, though. And irritated that this question even entered my psyche. And was entertained. Everything I have ever done in my life has been based on great faith that no wrong can happen. And now suddenly I'm concerned about toppling the apple cart.
Guess I'm getting old.
The Husband brought up the fact that two kids might actually be less work than one, since you could put them in a room and give them a few toys and they could entertain themselves. (Okay, okay, for a little while, at least. A very little while.)
And in five years, they go to school anyway. Then I have all day to pursue my career. Can you tell I'm thinking while writing this? I am. And I'm still no closer to an answer.
You know what the problem is? I don't know of any successful moms with two kids. I haven't heard of any moms who are glad to be where they are professionally when their kids are in school. Are there any? Because I'd love to know. I'd love to be part of that small minority. I just have to find it first.
Guess I'm getting old.
The Husband brought up the fact that two kids might actually be less work than one, since you could put them in a room and give them a few toys and they could entertain themselves. (Okay, okay, for a little while, at least. A very little while.)
And in five years, they go to school anyway. Then I have all day to pursue my career. Can you tell I'm thinking while writing this? I am. And I'm still no closer to an answer.
You know what the problem is? I don't know of any successful moms with two kids. I haven't heard of any moms who are glad to be where they are professionally when their kids are in school. Are there any? Because I'd love to know. I'd love to be part of that small minority. I just have to find it first.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Maybe Mommy Doesn't Want Another Baby?!?!
Okay, so I might just be insane.
But this thought it beginning to cross my mind: are two babies necessarily better than one?
Because I'm realizing or maybe just remembering other things I want to do with my life besides just raise kids. Like travel. Like run a business.
Hmmm...
Thoughts, anyone?
Thinking about this sucks and talking about it sucks even more. I brought it up to Hubby Dearest this evening and we reached no conclusion. Sure, having another baby would ensure that the kids could play together. But what about the rest? Babysitting? Mom's Day Out? Every Single Day?
Suddenly, I don't know. I guess you could say I have cold feet.
Of course, if I AM pregnant, that baby is going to have all the love in the world. But... what if I'm not?
I have no idea what to think.
Maybe I'll have clarity soon. (I hope!)
But this thought it beginning to cross my mind: are two babies necessarily better than one?
Because I'm realizing or maybe just remembering other things I want to do with my life besides just raise kids. Like travel. Like run a business.
Hmmm...
Thoughts, anyone?
Thinking about this sucks and talking about it sucks even more. I brought it up to Hubby Dearest this evening and we reached no conclusion. Sure, having another baby would ensure that the kids could play together. But what about the rest? Babysitting? Mom's Day Out? Every Single Day?
Suddenly, I don't know. I guess you could say I have cold feet.
Of course, if I AM pregnant, that baby is going to have all the love in the world. But... what if I'm not?
I have no idea what to think.
Maybe I'll have clarity soon. (I hope!)
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