Growth

I have glimpsed something today that I find hard to express in words and yet I must try because the truth of what I have realized is so seminal to my understanding of what it means to be a Christian. My knowledge lags far behind my experience and, often it seems, so do my words.

I fasted from red wine for seventy-three days. I fasted because I felt like I was making it into a idol. I am by no means an alcoholic, but I do like red wine. It is the only alcohol I drink and I truly enjoy it. So, why did I give it up? The short answer is above. The longer, and perhaps the more difficult answer, is that I lacked knowledge and therefore I lacked faith.

Why is it that as soon as one tries to approach God legalism gets such a strong grip? Why are we so gullible? So easily swayed by our feelings and what we should do than what God says? Brennan Manning calls this mask of trying to be virtuous and holy "the impostor." Maybe I was under the grip of such an impostor. Something about me constantly tries to earn God's favor while rejecting His grace.

I think that today I finally understood the reason for this. The reason is that I am spiritually weak. The reason for my spiritual weakness? I don't know the truth. And only the truth can set me free. Not how I feel, not what I think I should feel and not what I think I should do. There really is nothing I can do, besides walk in the path He has created for me. Recognizing that path requires freedom from shoulds and coulds and fear. Recognizing that path requires, in other words, a deep and abiding faith in God.

This faith can only come from a thorough knowledge of The Bible. So far, I have been satisfied with milk but my appetite has grown. Today I crave the meat of God's Word. Because only meat nourishes, only meat sustains; only meat truly satisfies. It ensures I will not go hungry or lacking. The truth is supposed to hold me steady, so I am not tossed around in currents of worldly philosophies - something I am especially vulnerable to, based on my past. And, as someone said to me today, the only thing worse than a shipwreck is to be tossed around forever aimlessly, not knowing which way one is going.

So, finally, I believe, I am ready. And I am hungry. And I know that I am growing.