No Whining and No Warnings!

I have posted this on my refrigerator to remind me of the new plan in place for the children. Two days ago, I was at my wit's end with the children. I watched horrified as they took turns being completely rotten. Whining, crying, flying into a rage, not sharing and other annoying stuff toddlers do had become the routine. I don't know if it was the Christmas holidays or that I had been going soft on discipline - probably the latter. Then again, I noticed with Bombie that when she started walking was when she developed other "amiable" qualities like disobeying me and lying. And so it continues with Hucksley. Sigh. Babydom is over.

This time, however, it's not the first time I've encountered disobedience. And I'm not handling him with kid gloves. Ha. See, what I have come to realize is that the wonderful thing about being the second child is that there is more than one influence since you're little. Perhaps the reason first children are more obedient is because it's just mom and dad that are in their environment and discipline is (relatively, at least) consistent. But now Bombie is the factor I cannot control in raising Hucksley. He whines, she gives in. He screams, she gives him a toy. I scold him, she soothes him. I pick him up and she wants up too. Or she yells. Or just skips away. He falls and hurts himself, she continues to play, completely ignoring his cry for help. I just cannot control her reaction! 

Lately the screaming and the whining had gotten out of control. Hucksley whined for every little thing. He whined if someone walked past him. He whined if something was taken away (because I was trying to teach Bombie to share); he whined at every. Little. Thing. And she was beginning to do it as well. 

Now, I pray often. But I know I'm in trouble when I have to repent for how much I'm beginning to resent caring for my children and then pray for strength before I open their bedroom door in the morning. And that's where the situation had landed until my very wise husband suggested what we call the "No Whining No Warning Plan." As soon as either of the children start to whine - unless they're hurt - they get a time-out. It's an immediate-drop-whatever-is-in-your-hands time-out. It's also an I-don't-care-who-did-what time-out. 

Here's the thing - it works! We're on day two and the children are behaving. I see them think about whether they want to whine or not. Sometimes, it's just a whimper and it stops. It's downright wondrous. And the truly fantastic thing about it is that after the time-out, I'm free to love them and cuddle them and totally go gaga over them as I naturally want to do. They know they're loved. And it is so much better than trying to scold them, scold them, scold them, warn them, warn them, warn them in the hope that they'll stop. Immediate punishment works. James Dobson writes about this in The Strong Willed Child (and by the way, he's not anti-spanking and neither am I) - he says to draw the boundary early and then maintain it. It's boundaries that make a child feel loved, protected and cared for. But we forget that. 

I forget it constantly. I forget that love involves discipline. An important part of loving my children is caring enough about them to bend and shape their will. I'm not raising children, I'm raising adults. The worst thing I can do for Bombie and Hucksley is to send them off into the world pampered, unable to control their impulses, not knowing where boundaries are, unsure of what their response should be, uncaring about how their behavior affects others around them. The world has enough spoilt children disguised as adults because someone forgot that they had to be a parent. I once went to a social gathering where kids were watching a video on You Tube with loud cursing (it was supposed to be funny) and their parents were standing right by them laughing. I was pregnant. I didn't find it hilarious in the least. Frankly, it scared the heck out of me.

No, I will probably never be a cool mom like that. But if my kids turn out messed up anyway, at least I'll know it's not because they were not disciplined enough or loved enough.