Breathing Space

The past few weeks have been emotionally difficult. My dad has been over to visit and help with the arrival of the new baby and the baby seems to be taking his own sweet time coming. Perhaps because my dad is here and I'm having a hard time relaxing. My blood pressure has shot up and I would imagine oxytocin is in short supply in my system right now.

Now don't misunderstand. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I'm very grateful that my dad is here all the way from India to help, but it's been almost a decade since I left what used to be home and being around him 24 - 7 is kind of getting on my nerves. He's easy enough to get along with but he has some personality quirks that absolutely drive me crazy. Like he won't speak in English even though he can when James is around so I have to translate or my husband feels left out. Not to mention it's just rude. The cultural gap is hard to bridge. I can tell he's a little on edge when James is around and that irritates me too. I mean, jeez... we've been married for almost eight years now. Also, he calls me by my mom's name by mistake. A lot. AND he never leaves the house. Even for a walk. And we have the same conversations every single day. Ugh. "Sleep well?" "You're going to have coffee now?" "How are you feeling?" I want to scream "I'M PREGNANT, NOT AN INVALID. I'M NOT SICK!!!" Not to mention the house is usually quiet - we're quiet people - and any sound is magnified. So intimacy of any kind with James becomes uncomfortable. Not that I'm looking forward to any of it being 3 days away from my due date. But still... I wish I didn't have to worry about anything I said, much less did, with James.

Yes, a bit of a rant. But you see where I'm coming from now. Part of me is beginning to think it was a mistake to ask for help. It's been more than a month now and I can't wait for everything to be normal again. Really, I don't know how other families have house guests for this long.

The family dynamic sucks too. Bombie is getting pampered and our time-outs are not working as well, partially because he comes in and rescues her before we have a chance to give her a time-out. So she doesn't learn. He carries her around a lot, so she's getting dependent. You know, everyone said that the reason I didn't walk until much later is because I was an overweight child. I'm beginning to think being carried around had a lot to do with it. He won't let her fall, he worries all the time when she's climbing up and down, he keeps saying things like, "Walk, don't run..." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

Well, three more weeks. That's it. I advanced his ticket and he's leaving on the 4th. We'll just deal with everything by ourselves later. Those were James' words of wisdom yesterday and I think he's right. If this was a permanent situation we'd have to lay down some strict rules. But chances are he's not going to see Bombie again for a long time so he can pamper her all he wants. She's only 16 months, so she won't remember much. And we can deal with the new family dynamic after the fourth of next month.

Until then I only have to stay sane and deliver this new baby. And never ever forget that the more security, the lesser the freedom. I have never known that in a more real manner than I do now.